living

• living is not easy. not everyone can live. not everyone can even understand what living is. living is feeling, to say the least. living is to hurt and harm, and love, and mend, and break again. living is not only to give but also to take the hurting in your own heart. it's not something you can do comfortably in your corner. you have to get out there, get hit and throw a couple of shots yourself. run, fall apart, get up and run but you have to be out there. out there, there's joy, ecstasy, sorrow, despair and hate and fear and anger. you have to let go of the control sometimes and sometimes you need to hold it all together. just as you can't know colors unless you know more than the basics, you can't know life if you've always been safe. there's white but there's dirty white, and fluorescent white. and just as in life white doesn't finish where grey or beige begins. sometimes they collide and you can't tell them apart, when you absolutely have to tell them apart. even if your life depends on that you tell them apart.
  living. i've not done it properly. i know i won't. but i've done it better than most people i know. still i feel like a pussy for never trying shit that would only result in agony or trouble, for always having an emergency exit at any troublesome endeavor. there have been dares i didn't face, drugs that i didn't try and people i didn't stand up to. the more i contemplate on it the more i realize every time i experienced something that most people in my life consider "daring, crazy etc." i always knew i was safe. to this day i can't fully enjoy trampolines because i am unable to free fall. i can't just lose control, give in and let gravity pull me as fast it can.
  living is for the young; young in attitude, young in spirit and young in mind. to dare and to face up and to flip the bird to the whole world and say "i'm not afraid to be out there and i'm not afraid to be completely lonely and i don't care about the storms you're brewing for me." i live and living has its toll. i'm ready to pay it because i know to live is my mission. it's why i'm here.