beer troubleshooting guide

• her okuduğumda beni yaran rehber. alıntı^{* *} olduğundan ingilizce'dir.
  
  symptom: feet cold and wet.
  fault: glass being held at incorrect angle.
  action: rotate glass so that it's open end points toward ceiling.
  
  symptom: feet warm and wet.
  fault: improper bladder control.
  action: stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
  
  symptom: beer unusually pale and tasteless.
  fault: glass empty.
  action: get someone to buy you another beer.
  
  symptom: opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
  fault: you have fallen over backward.
  action: have yourself leashed to bar.
  
  symptom: mouth contains cigarette butts.
  fault: you have fallen forward.
  action: see above.
  
  symptom: beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
  fault: mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
  action: retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
  
  symptom: floor blurred.
  fault: you are looking through bottom of empty glass.
  action: get someone to buy you another beer.
  
  symptom: floor moving.
  fault: you are being carried out.
  action: find out if you are being taken to another bar.
  
  symptom: room seems unusually dark.
  fault: bar has closed.
  action: confirm home address with bartender.
  
  symptom: taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
  fault: beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
  action: cover mouth.
  
  symptom: everyone looks up to you and smiles.
  fault: you are dancing on the table.
  action: fall on somebody cushy-looking.
  
  symptom: beer is crystal-clear.
  fault: it's water. somebody is trying to sober you up.
  action: punch him.
  
  symptom: hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
  fault: you have been in a fight.
  action: apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
  
  symptom: don't recognise anyone, don't recognise the room you're in.
  fault: you've wandered into the wrong party.
  action: see if they have free beer.
  
  symptom: your singing sounds distorted.
  fault: the beer is too weak.
  action: have more beer until your voice improves.
  
  symptom: don't remember the words to the song.
  fault: beer is just right.
  action: play air guitar (bkz: hayali gitar calmak).